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Once this is done, our computers will be able to use the sound of *your* voice for literally thousands of illegal and immoral purposes. However our staff of professional extortionists will contact you in the near future to further explain the benefits of our service, and to arrange for your schedule of payment. We can't pick up the phone right now, because we're doing something we really enjoy. like this -- beeeeep, just a little one, beeeeeeeeeep, c'mon... The entire staff is currently busy discussing forthcoming operations with other units, but if you leave your unit name and how we may reach you, Chief of Staff Sterrett will contact you as soon as possible to discuss your concerns. Their appliances have switched jobs again, and I get to answer the phone 'cause my old job sucked. I bet you have answering machines bothering you all the time... Why don't you give me a call sometime and we can listen to some old recordings... I can't come to the phone right now because I'm down in the basement printing up a fresh new batch of 20 dollar bills. If you are hearing this tape, then I'm not here now. If you are still listening, then whatever you have to say must be very important. I'm not at home today, and I might not be home tomorrow. I didn't take a shower today, and I might not take one tomorrow. I'm unable to take your call in person because I'm having an out-of-the-body experience. All of this button pushing doesn't do anything, but it is a good way to work off anger, and it makes us feel like we have a big time phone system. Santa can't come to the phone right now, and the elves are out back barbecuing Blitzen. Er, no diplomats are able to answer phone, so at sound of capitalist tone, leave name, telephone number, and short description of secrets you wish to sell. Father Durway's not here right now, but if you'll leave your name, number, and confession at the tone, he'll get back to you with absolution as soon as possible. Me and Guido are trying to stuff a body in the trunk. [Voice 3] To boldly inform you to wait for the tone. If you want to leave a message, please wait for the tone. SO IF UR A GUY THEN how bout you c me tonigh AROUNDE FIVE!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 01/18/05 - tom from australia: shutup 01/18/05 - SAM! 01/16/05 - Hrejtpoje from Outer Space: Hey wanna find out if we really like talking to you then leave a message and you'll find out if we call you back. Baby That's soo GREAT..please don't this thing on well Hey we are kind of busy right now doing taxes so leave a message and when we are done washing dishes we'll call you back.

Remember to speak clearly at the sound of the tone. Sonya likes doing it up and down, and I like doing it left to right ... So leave a message, and when we're done brushing our teeth we'll get back to you. Dear Caller: As I'm leaving you this message, the sun is shining for a change. If you are the phone company, I already sent the money. If you are my financial aid institution, you didn't lend me enough money. If you are a female, don't worry, I have plenty of money. So leave a message after you hear the beep, and you can be sure it's in the bag. If you need any money, or if you just want to check out my handiwork, please leave your name, number, and how much cash you need after the tone. I didn't come here to tell you how this is going to end, I came here to tell you how it's going to begin. So if you don't leave a message after the tone, you might have to deal with me in person. In fact, it can't even play you a nice tune while you wait to not leave a message. In fact I'm standing right behind you and I can hear everything you say. Sound of smashing box of kleenex.) But this method doesn't work with a telephone call... After the tone, please leave your Christmas list, and maybe we'll get back to you! And remember, confession doesn't count unless you confess all of your sins in vivid, graphic detail! If you want to leave your name and number, please press pound, press 3, then dial your name, then press 6 and dial your number. 01/31/05 - Poopy Mc Pooperson from Uranus: wow im an idiot 01/30/05 - Jesse Madrid from Woodland: This Website was not helpful! 1LUV YA YALLL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! from gold coast, australia: twinkle twinkle little star, i bet your wondering where we are, so put your mouth up to the phone and leave a message for when we get home, and if you can make your message rhyme, we can do it in half the time 01/18/05 - brittany from a house: hey im obvisly not here right now or maybe im just screening you call... 01/16/05 - Mandi from UR Floor: Sorry we're not here to lend an ear, so leave a word and you'll be heard. 01/16/05 - Mandi from UR Room: Roses are red, violets are blue, Sugar is sweet, and so are you The roses have wilted, the violets are dead, The sugar bowl's empty, and so is your head, The roses stink, sorta like sheep But leave your name, number, and message after the beep The roses are molding, the violets are rotten And I might call you back, if I haven't forgotten.

Then in 1960, the Ansafone, created by inventor Dr.

Kazuo Hashimoto (Phonetel), was the first answering machine sold in the USA.

Already know who you are and why you've called, please hang up after and we tell each other everything. You hear a faint click and a light flashes on the answering machine... Bullwinkle Hey, Rocky, somebody called while we weren't home. We're VERY close Bwana fella no home now, so you fella leave talkie-talk. Well, believe you me, when I find him again, I'll have a few choice words for him. So leave a message at the tone and I'll get back to you as soon as my component particles have been restored to their normal charges. If you are calling to collect a student loan, gambling debt, or other obligation, please press 1 and hang up now. I pledge to you, my caller, that you will never have to suffer through another long answering machine message when you call me. 01/15/05 - terry from bat cave: how are you 01/14/05 - brittany from humble: Hey its _____. Who are u again....arent you the one that...(mad voice) NEVERMIND JUST LEAVE A DAMN MESSAGE (mummbling ) Beep 01/13/05 - nadine v,21 from melbourne-australia: there's a priest staying over,leave a message as i don't want him to hear me swear to yoi infront of him! 01/04/05 - ERIN from CANADA: Hi, you've reached the sucide hotline, please hold on the line and I'll get some one for you! 12/28/04 - ME from This world: you have reached______ leave your name, number, address, S. #, your credit card number, weight, eye color, height, Sex, date of Birth, and I will get back to you if you answer every one of those questions 12/26/04 - Xantax from Jupiter: Nate ATKINS YOU STUPID FUCK THAT SUCKED 12/24/04 - Sheila & Sarah from here or there: Speak worm! ~ 12/22/04 - k-dot from california: this is you know who, i'm not you know where, but if you leave your you know what, i'll get back to you who knows when 12/19/04 - Brittany from VA: Hey this is _____, I cant come to the phone now cause i am at Wal MArt riding the pink pony so leave me a message and i will call u back when i run out of quarters 12/17/04 - jolly green giant from my house: dude, sorry *busy* leave one and i'll get back to you if i feel like it 12/17/04 - samantha from houston: you've got me, now you know what to do. You're mission, should you choose to accept it, it to leave your name, number, and a brief message after the beep. how are u ,, i want u to leave a message after the beep and ___ will get back to u at anytime of the day , ok , ok CHoa 12/07/04 - (in a sweedin voice) from Sweedin: Hello, my name is _____, ya! I'd appreciate it if you could help me out by leaving my name and telling me something about myself. 12/01/04 - rahul from YO MOMMA: WHO DA FUKK IS THIS? leave me a message 11/15/04 - Samber from Hell, Mexico: Hey, this is the devil speaking.. 11/13/04 - Ashley from Wa, USA: Hi, you've reached___, the greatest psychic in the world. : im probley here right now but im too busy doin bong hits, eating snacks, and playing video games to answer the phone 11/09/04 - Cassie Kurtz from Traverse City, MI: Hey guys. Were not here at the moment, but you know what to do, how to do it, and when to do it...

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Your voice patterns are now being digitally encoded and stored for later use. Southwestern Front Headquarters is pleased to learn that your unit has re-established communications. Where we go from there, is a choice I leave to you I'm sorry, I've been trying to break the record for "the most calls missed" if its a emergency or your dieing or something, please hold on till the record is broken. If this were the best of all possible worlds, I could come to the phone right now, but I can't, so if you could leave your name and number... B, address, social security number, age, height, weight, how many children you have, what sex you are, your mother's maiden name, and the date and time when you called me. If you have a wrong number, push 3 on your touch tone phone now. (Italian Mafia-style voice:) I can't come to the phone right now. Its two-semester mission: To seek out your name and your telephone number. 01/20/05 - wynand from south africa: mmmm just testing 01/19/05 - BRITT N CASS from THE INTERNET: GOD MAD MUD GOD MADE DIRT GOD MADE BOYS SO I KIN FLIRT!!!

Well, your 15 minutes was last week, but since you weren't ready, we gave it to Vanna White. As the drugs take hold, you feel you are losing your grip on reality. After the beep you can tell me how it was, or leave some other, informative message. Say, if you want anything cooked while you leave your message, just hold it up to the phone. I don't live here, so if you were trying to call me, you've dialed the wrong number. A basic membership is only , and a pledge gets you an "I love Jim Shea" T-shirt. You jusht had to call and call until shummbody got home. We picked this machine up at a garage sale in "as-is" condition. My owners do not need siding, windows, or a hot tub, and their carpets are clean. There's no point in leaving a message since by now I'm probably dead. 01/07/05 - Matt from Mass.: You must be this tall to leave a message. 01/02/05 - ashton from ohio: buddy the elf whats your favorite color? sorry i didn't call you but i have anal glaucoma..i just can't SEE MY ASS calling you back! 12/30/04 - Daniel from Texas: (Similar to one below, but more refined) "Hey, this is Dan.

On the other hand, if you were trying to call John, Jim, or Eric, please leave your name and number at the tone. We are experiencing severe problems with hot water. I'm secretly replacing Jane and Bob with dark sparkling Folger's Crystals. Press 1 if you are going to ask me out, 2 if you want to apologize for something, 3 if you just called to say I am a princess, and 4 if you are going to say something else.(Will be automatically deleted! Please wait for the tone, and thank you for your pledge. If you're the phone company asking for money, stop bugging her, she'll send it sooner or later. Now, shum people, dey shay dey don' like 'em, but I shay it'll shave you a lotta trouble if you jusht leave a meshage. You can try to leave a message on it, but we are not sure it will be recorded. They give to charity through the office and don't need their picture taken. You know what, whoever the hell you are you mght as well hang up because I'm gonna ramble a lot. 01/05/05 - Jenna Armoska from Rock Falls, IL: Hello...? Leave your name, phone #, address, Social Security #, Credit Card #, and the expiration date. 12/30/04 - Bel from Laredo, Texas: Hello this is my answering machine.

Please leave your name, phone number, short message, social security number, and credit card number and we will call you when we're done shopping. If you have a wrong number, push 3 on your touch tone phone now.

Hello, you have reached the _______'s residence; we cannot reach the phone right now, so please leave a message after the beep. If this is our parents, we're at the library studying. If this is John, Chris is out with the girls at the party. If this is any one else, we're at a party and you're not. All of this button pushing doesn't do anything, but it is a good way to work off anger, and it makes us feel like we have a big time phone system. If you want to leave a message, please wait for the tone.

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